A long, long time ago when printed magazines were still a thing, Oprah Winfrey used to write a column: Things I know for sure. And Oprah is a woman we should listen to. She has enough money to save Eskom, bail out PRASA, pay maintenance for the 15 or so remaining Mrs. Zumas… You get the picture. 

Recently, I tried to get hold of her. No, not to ask for a loan. I wondered what she would write about the year 2020. Sadly, I couldn’t get near her, even though I used my Madiba connection. (Of course I’m connected. I’ve met Zelda la Grange, hello!) 

If Oprah can know things, so can I. Why not? We’re very similar, except that she’s African American and impossibly rich. For the rest… she’s practically my sister from another mother.

So here goes: Things I know for sure. I’m not going for the obvious, like SAA is and will remain a dodo. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

Let me start in my hometown. One thing I now know for sure… If you want a successful, enjoyable Heritage long weekend, (even mid-pandemic) don’t organise a Whale Festival! It was wonderful to welcome visitors who actually came to see the whales, and support our restaurants and local businesses. I did not miss the traffic jams, or the smell of grilled chicken and booze, and the camping in parking lots. 

Now that more people may attend social gatherings, why not stock up on essential supplies such as cocktails, chocolate, glitter and host a masked ball? Not only will 2020 be the Year of the Mask, but the other fashion trend, ‘Orange is the new black’, will soon be adopted by some of our more prominent… what shall we call them… civil servants? 

Yes, it will get better. December will be a bumper season. Families will spend more time with each other. For some that is wonderful news; for others, well… maybe social distancing isn’t such a bad thing? Any future movies dealing with viruses or pandemics or global disasters will be total box office flops. We have lived it, okay. 

There goes my potential award-winning Netflix movie. And the follow-up series as well. Not to mention the mask merchandise. April Fool’s Day will never be the same again. We didn’t even have one this year. Because no one could actually come up with a prank that could compete with the crap we were dealing with. Not even Stephen King can top such a plot. (Just a quick reminder: it will get better. No, I can’t promise that. But a girl can hope.) 

I know for sure… If he’s hot, always smells good, leaves you feeling happy and satisfied, he’s not your man, he’s a pizza. Forgive me, I’m a South African survivor. We get through crises by making bad jokes. If you don’t get that, you are quite possibly a foreigner, maybe even an extremely rich African American talk show host.  I know for sure that Mr. Trump will have to do some fancy tapdancing since he tested positive. I know for sure that no one has a damn clue about who’s going to win the American election. I know for sure that it will be chaos, no matter what the outcome.

I know for sure that journalists and stand-up comedians will have much less to write about should the current cabinet be dissolved. (Again, a girl can only hope). Recently one of our upstanding MPs confidently declared: What’s good for the goose, is good for the duck. Hey, I’m not judging, English isn’t my first language either and I’ve come up with a couple of beauties myself. Don’t look a gift horse in the face. No one’s going to pull the wool over my head. Idioms were clearly not my strong point at school. 

Who knows, I might even make it to Parliament. Actually no, that will never happen. And that I know for sure. 

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