It would appear that some of the elves, together with the actual Duck from the Duck ’n Fiddle, are in hot water.

Heated complaints have poured into the Far Kraai potjie from various organisations who’ve taken umbrage to being lampooned, and recently things reached boiling point.

An example is this letter from Svetlana Polanski, an exotic dance instructor from Eastern Europe, who has recently immigrated to our shores. She heads up FEDUP, (Forum for Exotic Dancers Under Pressure) representing dozens of local pole-dancers who slide up and down poles in popular venues throughout the Overberg. She claims we give them a bum rap.

“We be cross!” she wrote in her charming Yiddish accent. “You make many speaking of us in newspaper, but always in same sentence with schlenters and schmucks, like politicians and lawyers.”

She went on to explain how demanding it was, and the strength that was required to dangle upside-down from a pole in a thong and keep smiling.

“It very difficult,” she continued, “not easy like ballet or lap-dance.”

She then challenged our entire staff to a pole-dancing contest at 6pm this Friday on Grotto Beach. Poles and medical assistance will be supplied, so bring the whole family. Lawyers and politicians welcome.

Either coincidence or serendipity intervened, but another flurry of official-looking letters arrived almost simultaneously from various law firms. They objected to our bunching them together with politicians and pole dancers. Each warning was three pages long – littered with the usual long-winded and confusing Roman/Dutch legalese jargon in Latin and tortured English – which could have been condensed into two sentences. “Stop grouping us with degenerates like dancers and/or politicians (exotic or not) or else we’ll stop reading A Far Kraai forthwith! So there!”

The wine farmers also have us over a barrel. Frikkie Fotheringham-Botha represents WINOS (Wine Industry Negotiator – Overberg Sector), and he let us know in no uncertain terms that they weren’t impressed with our satirising the fine art of wine tasting and pairing.

“I admit,” he confessed, “that some of us surf the overseas wine makers’ websites to find exotic descriptions for our labels and presentations, but no one has to know that. You won’t believe how impossible it is to create original catchphrases that actually apply to the wine. No one has to know that either.” He went on to suggest we attack beer-brewers and gin-distillers instead, and give WINOS a breather.

The right wing of the dog owners brigade also unleashed a torrent of abuse, claiming that we shouldn’t make fun of their canine companions by referring to their number twos along the footpath as “often creating some awkward, if not artistic, holy shrines in homage to Epol and Dogmore”. This apparently caused acute embarrassment to some of the more exotic breeds, which take their art very seriously.

Joining the cascade of condemnation was Druiwe du Toit, a staunch supporter of the Toxic Orange in Washington – unquestionably a satirist’s delight.

“If President Trump was in charge here,” he ranted, “we’d still have a swimming pool below Mount Pleasant. Even though he can’t swim himself, it would demonstrate his concern and compassion for those who can. That shows how thoughtful he is about those people in the world less fortunate than he.” (All of us?)

Well, Mr du Toit, you are absolutely right. He can’t swim due to the bone spurs in his ankles, which prevented him from going to Vietnam and inadvertently helping the Viet Cong win the war quicker.

“Why swim when I can fly?” he sneered at reporters from his helicopter steps. “But believe me folks – if I did decide to swim… just imagine me in a Speedo – wouldn’t that be great? I’d be the fastest swimmer the world has ever seen… with the most gold medals in the history of swimming! More than that Michael Phelps chap, who by the way is a great fan of mine.”

Yikes! It appears that some sacred cows require more milking than others, but sadly there’s a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza…

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