Articles in the For Fact’s Sake columns are – according to Google and the Duck’n Fiddle’s Explanation of Everything – based in truth. However, occasionally names and places have been changed to protect innocent people involved.

Bigfoot se moer?

Recently, increased interest has been shown in an elusive, almost mythical creature which has haunted various cultures around the globe for centuries. This upsurge in interest was, to a large extent, created by media exposure, and lately through documentaries made for ‘reality’ TV.

Depending on the location, this beast is known as Bigfoot, Sasquatch or Yeti. They walk upright, stand up to 3 metres tall, and have brown/black fur in the Pacific Northwest/Alaska, and beige/cream in the Himalayas.

Science boffins wearing white lab coats and glasses have studied the Evolution Tree, and reckon they’re probably a side-branch of Neanderthals called the Denisovan. They developed and survived out on a limb in remote, inaccessible areas where we, Homo sapiens on a different branch further up, couldn’t be bothered the schlep of finding them and driving them to extinction too.    

Like the ongoing elusive UFO saga, Bigfoot evidence is captured on grainy/shaky or out-of-focus clips, leaving the sceptics more sceptical. However, the DNA in hair/fur samples found in various areas have the lab-coats puzzled. The genetic footprint doesn’t match any known species.

In addition, size 20 footprints have been photographed, crude nests with rancid odours discovered, and unique howls never heard before, are all captured on video/audio. There are definitely beings out there in those thousands of square miles of unexplored wilderness, who don’t want to be found. They’re quite happy as they are, and have been for thousands of years, thank you.

As a result, local trigger-happy hillbillies often gather in posses to cuss and curse about Bigfoot for a while, with lots of woopin’ and hollerin’ chucked in for gees. Then, suitably fired up, they head off into the dense, uninhabited woodlands in search of something with huge feet, a haunting howl and serious BO.

These guys all wear checked shirts, faded dungarees, Crocodile Dundee hats and outrageous beards, like ZZ Top wannabes brandishing shotguns instead of guitars. Using night-vision glasses and heat-detecting cameras, they eventually calm down and creep nervously through the woods, with their probing torch beams, itchy trigger-fingers, and buns clenched – just in case.

Well, they think they’re creeping, but Bigfoot can hear them and see their flashlights from far off, so the game is on. These made-for-TV reality programmes capture irrefutable evidence of their existence – through brief infra-red glimpses between the trees, a rancid pong, haunting howls and having rocks occasionally thrown at them.

So, like alien visitors, Bigfoots exist, but we’ve never actually captured one for the lab-coats, to explore either our history through a Bigfoot, or clarify what we’ll eventually evolve into through an ET. I wonder which will be revealed first – our past or our future?

Fingers and Wings

Last year we discussed the authenticity of locally sold fish-fingers (piscal digitalus). We also mentioned that these fish are only found in Indonesia where they’re farmed (finger-by-finger), in reservoirs under strict supervision by HIF-FI (Honourable Indonesian Fish-Finger Industry), and seldom reach markets outside the Orient.

However, despite documented proof of HIF-FI’s harvesting methods, the Duck ’n Fiddle still gets ewails from the regular Sceptical Sams and Doubting Daphnes who claim it’s all a load of twak. Fish with fingers? We shouldn’t peddle false facts, they say. Well, to all Sams and Daphnes out there, here goes…

Crabs can regrow a leg or claw lost in battle, and lizards grow a new tail if chopped off. Squid can regenerate lost tentacles, and if a Planarian worm, common worldwide in wetlands, is cut in half, a new head and tail grow back, creating two worms. Ergo, regeneration of limbs in some species isn’t twak – it happens.

So, Sam and Daphne, hopefully that’s the fish-fingers story done and dusted, but rest assured – we’re looking into another suspicious snack, buffalo wings, so stay tuned.

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