Deciding on a topic for each week’s column can be difficult. It is impossible to guess how many readers have also seen something unbelievable and worth sharing on their TVs, YouTube, Facebook, podcasts, internet streaming etc.
Many folks though, may not have DStv, with its international news and educational channels, and some are oblivious to the horrors and delights on YouTube, while others are unfamiliar with web-surfing or social media altogether.
So, with apologies to the larnies who have all of the above gadgets (plus the T-shirt and their own #), the elves at the Explanation of Everything have decided to accommodate the gadgetless have-nots wherever possible. How else could they be kept updated on current conundrums, like why Steve Hofmeyr refuses to sing in Afrikaans anymore, how many lies the Angry Orange told this week, or why only male ballet dancers have that big lump in the front? Folks need answers.
We also have to accommodate emails from concerned readers wanting feedback on particular topics. In replying, gleaning information from only one source is called plagiarism, while quoting from many is regarded as research, so we cast our net wide to avoid those scratchy orange overalls.
Anyway, Chuck Forbes for example, was keen to seek advice regarding the load-shedding and torso-trimming exercises we suggested in the New Year’s column on fitness.
“It was blerry difficult to hold a cigarette with some of those exercises,” he wrote, “so I’ve cut down on smoking, thanks to you. I also wasn’t allowed to smoke in hospital, so I’ve almost kicked it altogether.”
Apparently Step 4 of the exercises, (on one leg, slowly lift the other foot till vertically above the head, and hold) was too much for him.
His spine separated completely from his pelvis, leaving him flopping around on the lounge floor like a beached snoek. This didn’t go down well with Mrs Forbes. She was hosting a Tupperware evening for the ladies from the bingo circuit, and didn’t have time for Chuck’s melodramatics.
Anyway, a couple of doctors shoved things back into place, and while the bones reset, he was encased in a plaster-of-Paris cocoon from chin to shin. Now, after two months in hospital, he’s glad to be out of both.
“But jislaaik! The food in there was only k*k hey,” he continued, “so I’ve lost a hell of a lot of weight. Now that I’m back on my feet (one of them anyway), can you recommend any exercises to get fat?”
Well, Mr Forbes, for a start, don’t watch any pretentious cooking channels on TV. They usually make healthy nutritious food, which won’t help you at all. Rather stick to lard sandwiches, crisps, koeksisters and plenty of beer between meals. These should consist of processed foods – the higher the MSG the better. A selection of cheeses and a couple of mugs of fortified wine should do fine. Chocolates and cream donuts are also good.
And as for exercises, these caused all the problems in the first place, so staying relaxed and immobile for as long as possible will safeguard against further mishaps. Best wishes and please keep us posted.
Also in the inbox was an update from Druiwe du Toit, our local head of TWOT (Trump’s World of Tomorrow), who emails us most weeks. This time he informed us that he’s flying soon to Washington to rally any South Africans living there, to march with him to the Oval Office for a chat with Honest Donny.
“If that Kardashian bokkie and JayZ could meet him, then, as Die Suidlander’s head TWOT, they’ll let me in chop-chop,” he wrote. “While he’s building his wall, I’ll ask him to send over some Mexican labourers to help fix our swimming pool. It’ll cost less than the wall, and the life-guards will be pleased to get their jobs back. He can also make Mexico pay for it even though they’re not good swimmers.”
Anyway, out of interest, that big lump in front of the male ballet dancers is a footrest for the ballerinas when they get lifted up.