Every now and then we come across a list of hilarious things kids say or write in absolute innocence. Some have done the rounds, but new gems pop up unexpectedly and are worth sharing.

Picture the scene. The classroom of 25 kids is unusually quiet. They’re writing a test to ascertain just what five- and six-year-olds know about animals and nature, and all you can hear are 25 pencils scratching on paper.

In front sits the teacher, keeping a beady eye out for cribbing. She’s a nun in full regalia – black hoodie with white face-trim, black kaftan, long black stockings and sensible rubber-soled treads, also black. With the pinched look of a habitual lemon-sucker, she unashamedly exudes a grim, uncompromising attitude towards any form of frivolity or mirth.

“There are more important things in heaven and earth than having fun! Spare the rod, and spoil the child,” she’d quote sternly when asked. (Hell, even if she wasn’t, she’d manage to slip it in anyway.) That is why the classroom is dead quiet. Apart, that is, from suppressed chuckles by Sister Paraffina herself, who’s battling to remain tweezer-lipped in front of the kids.

She’s marking papers from yesterday’s test on The Bible. The wording and spelling are exactly as the kids wrote them, and she’s presented with a couple of facts she wasn’t aware of.

“The Jews were a proud people, and throughout history had trouble with unsympathetic genitals,” wrote one kid. Another, who apparently was privy to the goings-on in the Lot household, claimed: “Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire at night.” Was Lot aware of this?

“Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients,” reported a young girl, while the boy sitting next to her reckoned that “the Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, and afterwards Moses went up Mount Cyanide to get the ten condiments”.

Choking back a chortle, our pious defender of the faith was surprised to learn from one kid that “David, one of Solomon’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines, and he fought a race of people in biblical times called the Finkelsteins”.

According to another, “Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Cheerio.”

“Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree,” stated one bright spark of six, “while Noah built an ark for his wife, Joan of Ark, and the animals came on in pears.”

From the New Testament, it was claimed that, “When Mary heard she was pregnant she sang the Magna Carta, and Jesus was born because she had an immaculate contraption”.
I wonder if they’re still available…

Other well-meaning kids had different ideas about the Apostles. One boldly stated that “the people who followed Jesus were the 12 decibels”, while another reckoned: “The epistles were the wives of the apostles.” A third wrote: “One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.”

Sister Paraffina could however identify with what some kids claimed in all innocence: “Christians have only one wife,” wrote one. “This is called monotony.” She couldn’t contain a chuckle though, when confronted with: “St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.”

But enough about the kids already. Here’s what some honest teachers wrote in their report cards about some of their pupils. Parents were obviously unimpressed. “Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot,” wrote one, while another claimed, “This child has been working with glue too much.”

“If he was any more stupid, we’d need to water him twice a week,” one teacher reported, and another suggested: “Your son has a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

I’m sure many teachers would love to be able to tell parents the truth about their precious little angels, but they probably wouldn’t have a job next term.

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