Yes. It’s a shitty situation. Try saying that when you’re drunk (which probably includes about 80% of the population.) In retrospect, 2020 has been a unique Leap Year. It had 29 days in February; 100 days in March; with April, May and June spread over five years. How many more weeks in the month of July? I don’t know, my brain can’t compute the numbers being thrown around these days. One hundred billion stolen… Three trillion in debt… How many zeros are we talking here? Nevermind, it’s a rhetorical question.

However, there’s hope, folks. We may be living in unprecedented times (I so hate that overused word) but three fundamental truths will never change: 1) A buttered slice of bread will always land on its buttered face. 2) Incompetence has always been the ‘new normal’. 3) There is no vaccine for Stupid (Sorry, Donald). If you can accept these three truths, your life will be so much easier.

Sometimes it feels as if we’re fighting three pandemics at the same time – Covid-19, Fake News and Stupidity. My husband warns me not to take on the Stupid. They’re a dangerous bunch. Don’t fret my skat, Stupid is too stupid to know it’s stupid.

No, I’m not being a Stupid-ist. Some of my best friends are stupid. They send me WhatsApps like this one: All smokers and people over 45 will be forced to go back to Level 5. If you don’t comply, you will be dragged kicking and screaming to a quarantine facility.

When questioned, my friend (Ann) is adamant: “It’s true. My cousin’s mother-in-law goes to the same hairdresser as the Minister of Land Reform’s chauffeur’s wife.” That’s where Ann heard it. And it’s on WhatsApp, so it must be true. Ann has a degree. The old-fashioned kind of degree that you actually had to study for. Common sense is currently whizzing over us like a frisbee over a fat Rottweiler’s head.

Since my last lament, hairdressers and beauty salons have opened. Yaaay! Not just for the sake of our small businesses, but after three months of lockdown there were some pretty ugly women walking our streets (including yours truly). I have realised that I don’t know any women who sport their natural hair colour. Some wise person stated that this lockdown has exposed people’s true DNA. Lockdown in my opinion has shown our true roots.

I apologise to my acquaintances whom I simply didn’t recognise in the street. Not just because of the masks, but that hair! Those unplucked eyebrows! And as the mask slips… is that a hairy lip I see before me? Mask up sister, you’re scaring the kids. After all this is over, I wonder if we’ll have a tan line on our faces.

I’m not sure I’ll be able to give up my mask so easily. It’s great to be incognito, quickly slipping out in your old faded tracksuit to buy milk. And some other stuff. No, I’m not the masked woman buying cigarettes. That would be illegal. I wonder if there’s enough jail space for the 11 million smokers who are currently breaking the law. On the other hand, they are supporting small businesses (albeit illegal). This was Tannie Kopdoek’s legal argument. Nope. Didn’t read that on a WhatsApp group.

It’s a well-known fact that during World War II the sale of lipsticks soared. Without women’s love of Pretty, I too would have gone under. I hope that our love for delicious food will save our restaurants. We’re been deprived for so long. Spoil yourself! And in the process we can help each other. Let’s get over our negativity. If you see your glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass and stop whining. See? I feel much better already.

I sometimes wonder what I will do once this all ends? It’s kind of handy using the virus as an excuse for not seeing people you don’t want to see, and for not doing things you don’t want to do (like exercise, for example). Although, truth be told, even before lockdown I constantly forgot to go to the gym. For three years in a row, in fact. Now I can simply blame Covid. My cup runneth over.

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