If you could choose any superpower, what would it be? To be superstrong? Superfast? I thought long and hard. What would I need to get through the rest of this year? I put in a request for the superpower of not giving a sh#t. Alas, it was turned down. I had to settle for supercrusher.

I can’t fly or save the world or grow instant muscles, but I’ve made myself a red velvet cape and I’m ready to exercise my super-duper supercrusher power. The timid may now move swiftly along. Here comes… Supercrusher!

Task #1: Get rid of all the inefficient fat cats in the civil service. Someone has to do it. The government is busy with other stuff, like saving SAA. In a year’s time, we’ll do a survey to find out if anyone noticed the difference.

Task #2: Supercrusher will crush corona, chaos, corruption and carrots (as an optional extra).

Task #3: All mothers who freak out first-time pregnant women by telling them in gory detail how long and painful their labour was, will be forced to home-school their children for five months. No, wait, that punishment has already been handed down. Supercrusher will have to come up with something worse…

Task #4: Sort out the sewage problem in South Africa. From our non-existent border with Zim right down to Agulhas. All affected areas will be thoroughly investigated with a fine-tooth comb. I’m thinking of putting Julius in charge of this operation. Unfortunately the area in Gardens, Cape Town – particularly the buildings in Plein and Parliament streets – can no longer be salvaged. The sewage spillage in this particular spot is just too overwhelming and the IMF loan has already been spent.

Task #5: Words like superspreader, machne (skin condition caused by masks) mikinis (masks that are too small) and especially the phrase ‘with immediate effect’ (as in the alcohol ban) will be erased from human memory. Supercrusher is working on erasing the entire 2020, also known as twenty-plenty. Ha! Little did we know what the plenty referred to.

Task #6: Crush prerecorded telesales voices screaming in your ear: Awe! Are you satisfied with your insurance?! These cruel humans will be dealt with swiftly… Every time they open their mouths, Supercrusher will shove a pink marshmallow into the black hole. No, not that one, the one under the nose.

Task #7: Where has all the Marmite gone? Supercrusher is on it. I’m negotiating with my colleague, Invisible Man, to sneak onto an outbound South African flight. Yes, of course it’s illegal, but we’ve got an Ace up our sleeve. With Ace and the Command Council on your team, you can do whatever you damn please. And the country’s running out of Marmite, so it’s in the national interest of our poephol (sorry, I mean people).

Task #8: Aaawh?! There will be no task 8. I was planning to crush bad spelling and bad manners… Apparently the Superpower Union has forbidden any overtime, hard work or excellence. Lest the poephol get used to good service. Imagine how demanding the public will become, actually expecting service delivery. What do they think this is? A democracy? Besides, the task manual was stolen along with the lunch money and our flying licences. Oh, and did I mention that we had a shortfall of three billion thousand hundred trillion dollars? Not to worry, we’ll toyi-toyi and put in a request (i.e. demand).

I’m resigning. ‘With immediate effect’. I don’t need to be some fictitious Superhero. I’m a Superhuman already. Just like you. No, I’m not crazy. (Okay, maybe a little.) Point is, we are all superhuman. We’re still here, aren’t we? Let the wors be with you.

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