The original plan was to keep folks informed once a month about what’s really happening in the news around the world, but since our last exposé – only a couple of weeks ago – the pace at which things have been moving requires more frequent updating.

These short bulletins are aimed mainly at those who understandably do the ‘ostrich-head-in-the-sand’ routine, due to the news being too horrifying, morbid and depressing to stomach. Well, like the ostrich – which has to come up for air now and then – take a deep breath, clench teeth and buns, and settle down for a brief but enlightening catch-up.

There’s no doubting that people all over the world are frustrated with the Angry Orange in the very White House. Even here at the Duck ’n Fiddle, the elves at the Explanation of Everything have received thousands of emails from as far afield as Borneo, Bermuda and Benoni.

Oddly enough, they’re not questioning his attitude towards everyone who’s not a whiter shade of pale, or the billions of dollars spent on subsidising his farmers in the escalating trade wars. Nor are they worried about the fact that he lies continually with a straight face and without even realising it, or that he can’t find a bricklayer to build his promised wall.

They’re also not overly concerned that he’s managed to insult all his allies publicly on TV and Twitter – like Germany, Britain, France and Canada, among others – while schmoozing leaders of traditional enemies like Russia, China, Saudi Arabia and North Korea, also among others. The reneging of the Paris Accord on Climate Change and the breaking of the arms agreement with Russia to curb nuclear proliferation weren’t even mentioned.

No. The queries have all been about cosmetics. Tan-Fastic from China for example, are the manufactures of a spray-on instant tan in a can that doesn’t turn orange under his tanning lamp. Because of his trade restrictions though, the USA may not import Tan-Fastic any more, so he’ll just get oranger and oranger, which will soon frighten the children and give them nightmares.

In addition, Ben Dover, the press liaison officer from the international Gay Pride movement has also received thousands of complaints concerning the lilac eye-bags the Angry Orange has managed to cultivate. They claim that the colours clash offensively, never mind their proximity to the peroxided yellow badger crouching overhead. This, they claim, is a blatant encroachment on the patented multi-coloured rainbow of the Gay Pride flag, and he should drop at least one of the colours.

Tannie Fotheringham-Botha from Franskraal was also offended. She runs a B&B and is gatvol of guests making fun of her curtains and matching duvet covers.

“The lilac curtains next to the TV in our guest cottage have been there since the sixties and nobody ever minded,” she wrote. “Now every time Trump comes on the screen, people think I’m a supporter because of the identical colour match between the eye-bags, curtains and duvets. News spread that I could also be a closet racist, and turnover has plummeted. But I’m damned if I’m changing Ouma’s curtains, and have rather installed a black-and-white TV to eradicate further damaging rumours.”

Well Tannie, I’m glad those are the least of your worries. People in Venezuela, Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, North Korea, Cuba, China, Russia and Mexico wish they had your problem. They are all at war with the Toxic Orange for world dominance, and we can be thankful his weapon of choice so far is confined to financial arm-twisting.

Soon there is to be a joint ‘training exercise’ between South Korea and the USA within spitting distance of Kim Jong Un, who despite his accolades for having the second most ridiculous hairdo, must be spitting mad. Let’s pray these two don’t get into the ‘mine’s bigger than yours’ contest or we’re all in for a bumpy ride.

Nostradamus predicted a major apocalypse, which will destroy most of the world – except the ‘land of the olifant’ apparently. Well, India’s in the firing line so we’ve got nothing to worry about.

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