Three very serious topics need to be discussed this week – one local, some global, and one of intergalactic significance, so here goes…

Firstly, on the local front, positive steps have finally been taken to address the dog on/off-the-leash problem. A very influential consortium of dog lovers, listed as OUCH, (Owners Unleashed with Collarless Hounds), managed to get a controversial bill passed by our local authorities. It ensures the positive and beneficial use of the seaside property in Kwaaiwater – recently vacated by Markus Jooste – for dog owners without leashes.

With relatively little financial outlay, the fenced-in estate will be converted permanently into an unleashed-dog-lovers’ delight. The land is already terraced down to the shoreline, so lawn, fynbos and trees are soon to be planted on the different levels. This will create a parkland-like feel for the dogs. They’ll love it – especially the tree trunks.

The top terrace will be a relaxing vantage point for owners keeping a watchful eye on their furry family members cavorting below. Stalls and marquees will be a permanent feature for local brewers, winemakers and gin distillers to host their food pairing suggestions. For those with a more individualistic choice in pairing, koeksisters, boerie rolls or perlemoen pies will be available with the standard Kraaifontein Cocktail – brandy ’n Coke.

OUCH insists though, that they won’t be held liable for any injuries sustained from fights erupting between the dogs – or the owners for that matter. A R10 per dog entrance fee is for the poop-scoopers and to replace chess/backgammon pieces eaten by the dogs. So, moving on, this pretty much addresses the “local” problem – for now.

Secondly, the global situation, and a brief update on how the cookie was crumbling before going to press. (Hell, things move fast these days).

Anyway, everyone hates North Korea because the man with the second silliest hairdo in the world is playing silly buggers with his ballistic missiles to irritate the man with the long red tie, who’s won the silliest hairdo battle since he bleached it years ago. Some of Kim’s regional neighbours – even those without silly hair or red ties – have expressed concern.

Across the globe, other tensions between neighbouring countries are festering as well. The Middle East is a boiling cauldron of oil, ego and riotous indignation over territories, trade routes and ancient traditions. Outside players in the global marketplace, from the East, Europe and the Wild West, choose which ideology to back and, depending on the ulterior motive – usually financial – they then add fuel to the fire.

Talking of fire, the Amazon is burning merrily and President Balsak Bolsenaro reckons he doesn’t need any international help preserving 20% of the world’s oxygen generator, because he’s sending in the army to fight the flames. The army? I’m sure they’re well trained, well equipped and well aware that they’re about to braai. So France, in a huff, refuses to buy any more Brazilian beef, and in a re-huff, Balsak has banned French wine imports.

In Europe, suffice it to say, everybody is fighting with one another, and Brexit seems a bridge too far to swallow – from both sides of the channel, so let’s leave it at that and move on to the third topic: intergalactic intervention.

For most Christians and Jews – among others – it would appear that the waiting is over. The world was relieved to learn last week that after centuries of nervous anticipation, the second coming has finally come.

It was a rather inauspicious occasion considering the global significance of the revelation, and I can’t help but feel that more strategic planning could have gone into the marketing and staging.

The bombshell announcement was slipped into one of the meandering pontifications concerning China/ Russia /Obama / Mexico, delivered by the Toxic Orange on the Whitehouse lawn. In his typically humble way, he claimed (correctly) that the world was in a sorry state, and that only he, (not so correctly), was the chosen one sent by the Good Lord to calm Earth’s turbulent waters.

Well, thank heavens, or we’d all still be waiting.

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