Moses got the ball rolling nearly one-and-a-half centuries before what we call the year ‘naught’. After six weeks on top of a mountain – with the Wi-Fi signal direct to Head Office – he triumphantly descended with an unedited printout of 10 rules aimed at curbing the barbaric shenanigans of the unruly masses below.

As a prophet of the Abrahamic religions, these moral guidelines were gradually accepted and embraced back then by all the faiths in the area. The wording might change in some religions, but these basic requirements for civil co-existence are still adhered to almost everywhere.

We call them The Ten Commandments – the Big 10. We also have the 7 Deadly Sins to contend with, but more about them later.

According to the various Good Books, some things are definitely taboo. But before we start, I carry no flag for the Star of David, a Crescent Moon, a Crucifix or a red dot on the forehead, so these are just observations from an academic viewpoint.

Now, I’m sure we’re all familiar with some of the obvious Commandments, like not getting a leg over your neighbour’s wife, stealing his credit cards, murdering him when he catches you, then lying to the cops (between blasphemous denials) about what happened. This type of behavior is frowned upon. Our adulterous, murdering thief sacrilegiously lied his way through 5 of the Big 10 in one fell swoop.

But other decrees somehow overlap the Big 10 and can be somewhat perplexing. A certain Mr. Leviticus for example, had his own views about murdering people, which he wrote about in book four.

He reckons that according to Exodus 35:2, the Good Lord forbids your neighbour from working on the Sabbath. Fair enough, but the punishment – rather harsh I think – was death. Now, a couple of questions pop up. Is it just your neighbour, or do other people’s neighbours also apply? And is it your moral duty to kill him/them yourself, or must the police come round and do it?

Also, if people are caught committing adultery, he suggests that all the town-folk gather in the square to stone them to death. Well, we all know how difficult it is to get a jukskei team together, never mind the whole town carrying sacks of slingable stones, so is it not possible to just burn them in a private/family affair at home, and bury them in their back garden?

One way or another Mr. Leviticus seems to have missed the whole “Thou shalt not kill” suggestion in the Big 10, but enough about him and on to the 7 Deadly Sins.

If there’s one thing that can ruin your day, it’s looking in the mirror for an honesty check on how many of the 7 you regularly flirt with. So we won’t punish ourselves. Let’s rather transfer our guilt by imagining what someone like the Angry Orange thinks when admiring his Whitehouse bathroom mirror, because fortunately for him, it reflects only the antithesis of those sins.

1: Lust/Chastity. “Hell, all those women lusted after me! Ask my lawyer!” 2: Gluttony/Temperance. “Another Big Mac’n’chips right now! And a longer belt with more holes. Who’s my tailor? He fired!”  3: Greed/Charity. “Those toilet rolls I threw at those Puerto Ricans after it rained… well, it shows great, great charity. I could’ve kept them.” 4: Sloth/Diligence. “I’m probably the most diligent person I know. I will never miss my morning ‘Pump up Trump’ show on Fox. They love me! Ratings are the highest in TV history!”  5: Wrath/Patience. “I didn’t obliterate North Korea. I could’ve, but I didn’t.” 6: Pride/Humility. “I’m a very humble person. I think so, and that’s all that counts!” 7: Envy/Gratitude. “I’m grateful to have the highest IQ in America. Maybe the whole world… who knows?  So everyone’s envious of me!

Yikes! Not guilty of all 7? Be scared, people. Be very scared. The 8th Deadly Sin –Toxic Orange – is going viral. It’ll contaminate all of us, unless we find out where he bought that amazing mirror.

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